Common Sense Wisdom Based in the Four Agreements
Change doesn’t happen because we wish for it or want it.
Change happens through taking different actions. Even if it is the action to not believe a thought, or imagine a different interpretation. Even these are steps of change.
The bigger the action, the more it is different than what you do normally, the bigger the change.
How to raise kids using the Four Agreements?
Dear Gary,
Upon reading about domestication. I had this awful awareness that I will be placing these walls around my own children’s thought by using positive and negative reinforcement . I was wondering if you had any recommendations how to avoid these patterns or if there are any books out there to help .
Thank you in advance……. Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned,
This is a question I hear a lot and it often comes from a concerned parent becoming more aware of themselves, and how their actions impact their child’s emotions and beliefs that will be with them a long time. First let’s explain the term “domestication,” which Miguel uses in his book. It means a system of punishments and rewards used to modify other people’s behavior. We reward kids with praise, dessert, hugs, and attention. We punish with isolation in their room, time out, scoldings, anger, and criticism. As we become more aware as human beings we realize that some of what we say and do to children may affect them emotionally well into their adult lives. That kind of realization makes us much more vigilant in how we use the power of our word and emotions.
There is much more to this issue of applying the tools of the Four Agreements to your relationships, so this is only a short overview.
First, the truth is that you have to domesticate your children. It is best if children learn about the world of punishments and rewards of the world from people who love them. If they don’t learn of the world of punishments and rewards from you, then the world will teach them those experiences. If they don’t follow some basic rules,,,, then the police will eventually catch up with the. Case in point,,, Paris Hilton.
Second. it is a question of how you domesticate them that makes a great difference. A child can still learn about punishments and rewards in an environment of kindness, acceptance, and love.
Third: The best way for the child to avoid developing deep sabotaging fearful beliefs is for the parent to live happily, impeccably, and without emotional drama. A child is more likely to model what is lived around him or her.
Domestication in a loving and aware way is to learn about consequences. Teach children about consequences,,, and to do that you have to provide consequences, and let them experience consequences. Some pleasant,,, some unpleasant. If they don’t learn to do laundry, then eventually they don’t have any clean clothes to wear. Expecting their parents to do everything for them is not learning to take care of themselves and is not learning about real life.
Consequences can not be avoided. They are a real part of life. Yet this has to be balanced with protecting them. A five year old doesn’t need to learn about crossing the street by themselves through trial and error of consequences.
Consequences is not the same as punishment. If you yell at me, then I don’t respond to you or talk to you. That is a consequence of yelling at me or treating me with anger. I do not engage. If I yell back at you,,, that is a punishment of anger I am trying to inflict emotional poison on you. If you have awareness,,, you can choose if you will punish or if you refrain. If a parent doesn’t have awareness and personal power, then they are more likely to just react and punishment happens without choice. Then later,,, you punish your self for how you over reacted. So to help you parent, you need to develop your own awareness and mastery. If you are judgmental of people and get angry a lot then a child will learn that to be normal behavior, even if you tell them, not to.
Punishment is not the same as making it personal. This is an awareness between what a person does, and what a person is. A good person can fail, make a mistake, have an emotional reaction, and it doesn’t mean they are a bad person, failure, or unloved. If you correct a child, perhaps they don’t like what you did,,, but can still love you. In this regard it is as important what emotions you express with your words, as the words themselves.
Make a distinction between what your children do, and what they are. This is something that you will need to practice in normal times so that when stressful emotional times happen it will remain part of your awareness and interaction with them. They are people you love, and are beautiful, even when their actions and behaviors might not always be aligned with what you want for them. You can provide them consequences for their actions while you love them. Hopefully in this way they will learn to be wise in their choices, and feel good about themselves no matter the outcome.
For more on honing your skills at communication, emotions, and eliminating your own emotional reactions, I suggest the Self Mastery course and Relationship Course on my other site. PathwayToHappiness.com
“How long will it take?” they ask.
That’s often the question as one is working through their issues of limiting beliefs, fears, emotional reactions, or sabotaging behaviors. Always the question, “How long will it take?”
It will take a certain number of hours. You can put those hours in early and be done sooner, or you can do just a few minutes a day of change work and have it take many years.
It’s like learning to read, dance, fly an airplane, or play a musical instrument. All of these things will take a certain number of hours before you reach a level. If you want to go further and master more emotional skills and more of your beliefs, it will take more hours. The critical way to measure how long it will take is by how many hours you spend practicing, not the days or weeks of the process. If it takes 100 hours to break through a set of limiting beliefs you can do it in 5 weeks, or you can do it in 5 years. Either way it will take you the same number of hours.
So to answer the question about, “How long will it take before I see the changes I want?”
The answer is a certain number of hours.
This is an excerpt. Full post at How long will it take?
Love is a great change agent. When you are exposed to, and experience great love, your life has a tremendous chance to change. In the experience of love your unhappiness from a limited perspective, and beliefs in fear and lies can not survive.
One of the challenges is that when you exposed to love, your ego will fight back. It will try to deny, diminish, and distract you from what you feel. Such is the nature of stories in the mind. They don’t feed well on unconditional love and fear starving to death.
Love and Fear,,,, this is the battle ground within for the Spiritual Warrior. It is a battle over one’s attention. On one side is Love and all the expressions of Love. On the other, is fear, and all the expressions of fear.
Self awareness is a necessary trait of a warrior. Being aware of his expressions is how he recognizes which side he is on in each moment.
for practical steps and exercises on finding your way try the free sessions of the Self Mastery program.
How does a Spiritual Warrior fight Lies? You fight lies with Truth.
How does a Spiritual Warrior fight Fear? You fight fear with Love.
How does a Spiritual Warrior fight injustice? You fight injustice with Forgiveness.
Winning the war going on in your own mind is easier as you develop your skills with Truth, Love, and Forgiveness.
These tools may not always work when dealing with the outside world, but they are the best tools for fighting the fear, lies, and injustice in your own mind.
More practical steps for winning the war in your mind in the Self Mastery course on my other site.
What is the Secret for Mending a Broken Heart?
A person’s heart never breaks. However beliefs do,,, and when they do,,, it can be emotionally painful. When a partner cheats on us, or breaks up with us, our beliefs about who they are, what they mean to us, and beliefs about our future break. We call it heart break but it is really a disillusionment of beliefs.
From the perspective I see things from now,,, I am very grateful to the people in my life that broke my heart. Those were the periods of my greatest awakenings from illusions.
More on this in the Relationship Course at Pathway To Happiness.com
As you become aware you see things with clarity. When you have clarity you will see the world is chaotic, filled with, inequities, and uncertainty. With clarity you are aware without a doubt that your future, and the future of the world around you is completely unknown.
The temptation is to try to make sense of the world, or put order to it, or control your world, so that you feel safe. This is to chase the illusion of safety for a single human can not control all circumstances and changes of life.
The real challenge is to remain completely aware that the world and future is unknown to you, and to be accepting of this fact. Acceptance of this fact will make your mind quiet and your heart peaceful.
To find, or in another sense create, a quiet mind and peaceful heart in the midst of a chaotic world with an unknown future is more challenging, and yet clarity reveals it is the only choice we have in the matter of how we will live our lives.
My perspective is basically this. You are fine. There is nothing wrong with who you are. You may not feel that way about your self and that’s usually due to lots of beliefs we have about our self. It’s these false beliefs that are the problem. They are stories about what is wrong with us. But it is the beliefs that are false. When those clear up we will feel fine about our self again.
The key is having the awareness to perceive the difference between what you are, and what the beliefs in your mind “say” you are.
Free Audio podcast covering the question “What is wrong with me?” It is a very clear explanation about the beliefs and negative thoughts in our mind that cause us to feel terrible about our self.
Practical steps to developing this awareness and using it for change can be found in my Self Mastery course.
While heading off to sleep I was reviewing my day and concluded the following. I am perfectly crazy. I live in a perfectly crazy world. The perfectly crazy world perfectly reflects my inner craziness where ever I look and go. I am trying to become less crazy. I am not sure I can go so far as to use the word sane. But less crazy seems to fit. I have a very tenuous hold on the less crazy potential. It is just an idea or thought but it has something more to it that isn’t familiar and somewhat odd. It is hard to differentiate the perfectly crazy normal to this very subtle less crazy notion. Yet there is a difference. I am still crazy but I am going to sleep comfortable with this entire story.
………………… and somewhere there is a ripple in the matrix.
Sometimes we struggle making a choice. We know we have to, but we don’t know the right thing to do. Maybe they are difficult because each outcome results in someone getting hurt. Or each choice is good so we want them all.
Sometimes, when we can’t see clearly what to do, it’s because it’s not time to make a choice. Sometimes, not all the time, it’s best to wait, and watch. Observe more closely. Take the time to look more closely at what you really want. Take more time to develop clarity about the nuances of the situation and possibilities.
Sometimes by patiently waiting you can watch the people around you react, fidget, and do their drama in the way they do it. If you sit still, you can see their drama for what it is. This gives you an extra level of clarity to make a better choice. When you develop clarity you don’t struggle to make a choice. You don’t struggle at all. You just see it.
Of course,,, you have to be able to sit still long enough to get the clarity. You could say that making wise choices is a developed skill. Good luck with your practice.